You have probably heard of the book He's Just Not That Into You, which was spawned by the writers of the TV show Sex and the City. My response to that title and book is, "Excuse me? He's just not that into you? When did self-respect, dignity and I've-got-better-things-to-do get abandoned?"

If someone is just not that into you, that's fine. Once you heard how he or she felt, however, I would hope that you just aren't that into him either. People need to understand that they have a choice of whom they want to be with and whom they don't. That's healthy. But if you are clinging to, hoping for, or pursuing someone who is elusive, you want to pause and take stock of yourself. If your love interest is not everything you want and deserve in a relationship, i.e., someone who shows a blatant lack of interest - you don't want to be there.

Not literally, of course, but she might as well be there on the date with you because every conversation comes back to something she did or said. This is called baggage, and until it gets unpacked (he works it out) you can't help but stumble over it every time you try to get near him because it's right there between you. This is the big reason he is not available to you.

This guy has not had steady employment for several years. He goes from job to job with a lot of down time in between while someone else takes care of him (his parents, buddies, etc.) and doesn't have a clue why. He blames his employer, his parents, his ex, the economy or even globalization. He has no plans to go back to school, or get training or look at a new career that is realistic. He's thinking about starting a business, writing a book or doing something with one of his buddies as soon as his friends get the money together. In the meantime, he'd like to move in with you.

It's hard to feel special when the guy talks about marrying you on the first date. As soon as he meets you, he's planning your future together. This sends the message that he is desperate - for anyone. Not too flattering.

My dad used to say, "A guy can be the nicest guy in the world, but if he has a drink and he wants to fight ... he ain't nothin' but a mean drunk." I have noticed that this expression applies to abusers. Someone can be the nicest, sweet-talking, present-giving guy in the world most of the time, but if he shows flashes of nasty temper ... he ain't nothin' but a mean guy. All the good he ever did gets canceled out by whatever mean thing he said or did.

A life with someone like this is to live on eggshells, always trying not to offend or upset him, which means he's in control and you live in fear. If never knowing when you are going to make a wrong turn and wind up in a verbally abusive fight looms over your head, you will be thwarted to the point that you will become immobilized.

This guy does not ask you questions about how your day was or what you did or what makes you happy. He may monitor your movements to check on you, but that isn't love; that is possession and control.

People who are obsessive about where you've been and whom you've been with usually have something to hide that they aren't proud of. The bottom line is, why would you be interested in someone who shows so little genuine interest in you?

TV football games, buddies, hanging out at the local pub, visiting his parents or his children from another marriage, riding his motorcycle and weekend basketball games at the local courts are all at the top of his list. You are nowhere to be found, in terms of importance.

You have noticed that whenever you go out together, he is checking out the other women. His explanation for this behavior is that it is just a man's prerogative. He also has an unlisted cell number that he doesn't give you, and spends hours on the computer but doesn't tell you what he's doing.

All of the above is unkind and uncalled for. If you find yourself drawn to this type of person, consider some counseling to work out your issues from the past.

There is someone who longs to find you. But if you're tied up with the wrong guy, you are never going to find him. Remember - you want to be with someone you're just really into.

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